Christmas is too much like a performance for me. Too much expectation, too much preparation, too many lights, too much self centered excitement and too much shopping. As much as I really do love Christmas, it is just not spontaneous enough for me. The fact that it has to be on a certain day does not leave much room for improvisation or letting life unfold naturally. All this expectation that builds up in the house is just a bit too much for me to handle without loosing sleep worrying that I won't get enough sleep. The problem is that I just really love Christmas and I want it to be the best day ever. I want there to be the perfect holiday music that makes you remember all the wonderful times in your life and all the people that you love but at the same time makes you bubble with joy to be alive. I want the meal to be the best meal I have ever cooked and everyone, including the kids to love it too. I want to feel refreshed and relaxed as I sit by the perfect fire without care or a worry in my heart. I want the kids to be so happy with what Santa brought them and be generous and kind to each other the whole day. I have this magical vision in my mind of the perfect Christmas, but the reality is that I know I will probably be tired on Christmas morning because I will have been up nursing all night, the meal will probably be pretty good, but not my best, and the kids will probably just want the dessert. The kids will probably be so excited about their presents and just the fact that it is Christmas that they will be completely exhausted and start to argue and fight about something and keep begging for one more piece of candy. I will probably be on my feet all day cooking and cleaning and just being a Mom that at the end of the day I will just fall into bed and dream about that perfect day that is ever elusive. I will then probably remember that life isn't perfect and that I wouldn't give up or change my life for anything. All the un-perfect days that are bound to come are part of this "whole" life I am living and in essence are just "perfect". I will then probably get that good nights sleep I have been looking for and wake up reminiscing about what a "perfect" Christmas it really was.