Scout is a month old. I can't believe it. Time has flown by and stood still all at the same time. I can remember having him in my belly so well, but also feel like that might have been a dream. It has been a whirl wind of a month, flying by with a million diaper changes behind me, sweet and not so sweet midnight nursings, quiet tender moments and other moments that I wish would end. I have found pieces of myself that I want to keep and others that I am working hard to change. I have moments where I think, "Why did I do this to myself and my family?", but more moments where I know this was the perfect path. I struggle to think of each child and their three different needs while the smallest and most helpless of them usually comes first. I find myself apologizing more then I want to admit for not living up to the standards that I expect my children to uphold. I hope that they understand that they are the light of my life and know that Mommy is just sleep deprived. Even though I worry a lot, I also know in my heart that they feel how loved they are and that the few times in the day that I am not as patient with them as I want to be is made up for with all the loving moments that we share together. I thought the newness of the baby would wear off, but I am so touched by the love these three children have for each other. Jetta sings sweet songs to Scout each day as he holds eye contact with her and looks like he wants to smile and sing along. Pilot never misses a moment to give Scout a kiss on the head or cheek and give him and big, but gentle, hug. And Jetta and Pilot still play together all day and seem to be working things out pretty well. All and all things are good here. Actually, they are great. I couldn't ask for anything more. Well, maybe a nap. But that will come soon enough.
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